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‘Dear Santa, I promise to be good next year if you double my stock dividend throughout my entire portfolio, raise the price on my stock options just before I divest, give me a big bonus at year end, and promise me a golden parachute at the end of my career.’ Instead of there only being one big guy to pray to, God, imagine if there was an intermediary and if there really was a Santa Claus. ‘I know I asked you for these things before, when I was younger, but Santa, if you could give me a complete Topp’s baseball card collection, a box of comic books from the ’50’s, and a pristine low mileage ’67 red Corvette convertible with a 427, I’d really appreciate it.’ Instead of only seeing little people at the mall during the Christmas season and/or when watching the Wizard of Oz, imagine if there were really elves. ‘What happened to you? Are you okay? You look like shit.’ ‘I went out with one of the elves last night. She said she was horny and hadn’t had sex in a hundred years. Oh, my God!. Me: How did she manage to raise you while working so much?Liza: The irregular hours are something recent. When we were little, she cooked us dinner every evening.Me: That’s nice. I mostly survived on takeout and microwavable meals.Liza: Dad wasn’t much of a cook?Me: He sure wasn’t.Not much of a dad either.Liza: When I was old enough and able to cook, Mom started working those crazy shifts.Me: Why, though?Liza: I guess we needed the money. Maybe Dad stopped paying alimony?Me: Could be. We were always well off, but I guess it’s different when you have three mouths to feed.After a while, the main course is served.Me: With you being the oldest sister, did you have enough time to do something fun?Liza: I enjoy my volunteer work very much. It’s so rewarding to help people.Me: I’m sure it is. But no partying?Liza: Oh no! I’m sure Brody would be upset if I went to parties.Me: But it’s okay to have fun. Don’t you like to dance?Liza: I love to dance!Me: What’s keeping you?!Liza: I don’t.
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